I wanted to thank you everything. You asked if I thought was what I expected [meeting you]. In that moment, I answered with the first thought that came to mind. I had several hours to think about my short time spent with you on the way back home. In that time of reflection, though, I don't think my answer was at all accurate. I expected to be overly nervous and for the experience to be extremely awkward. I was. Surprisingly, I felt comfortable. You gave me a renewed sense of "something". I can't even put into words.
Over the years, I felt less and less comfortable around people. You let me remember what is like to be around someone and just enjoy their time and company. It has been lost on me for so long. i could not even tell you when the last time I felt that way. You surprised me even. Yes, and I had talked about you having spent time on you and growing. However, the thing is.. people say that all of the time and honestly I didn't expect the mannerisms you portrayed. I hadn't expected you to openly talk about yourself. You've never really done that with me with me before. You even played for me, which I hadn't expected because you told me you don't feel comfortable playing in front people.
I don't know what you expected in meeting me or for the weekend in general. For me, it was mostly about the curiosity that has held me captive for the last four years. you gave me that unnamable connection I had all but severed. You let me feel again. You made me want to be felt. We had in the past, discussed what we liked when it came to sex. You always talked about rough sex, which I hadn't experienced and was curious. I wanted to try something new. I wanted to know that I wasn't broken. I almost didn't invite you back to my room that night. Sex had become so painful that I completely stopped having it. I was scared, even. You were so kind and gentle. You kissed me in a way that I haven't been kissed since long before I knew you. You touched me. Touched me so lightly and yet I can still feel you. I didn't know how much I missed being touched or how disconnected with touch I had become. Then, it happened. You broke that barrier and took me to the mountain top. I began giggling uncontrollably, which turned into soft crying. You had for that brief moment broken those chains that I hadn't even realized were there. I may never get the answers to the questions I have, but for now, I am okay with that.
I have known you for about four years now. Our relationship was never a solid one. It's been a week now since that weekend. I loved you back then, now, and all of the time in between when we weren't talking to each other. I know you don't feel that way and that you never did. I only ever wanted for you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. I wanted you to be able to accept the love of someone because you deserve to be loved too. Because my love doesn't require anything in return, I have never asked for yours. I have never assumed a life together because deep down I already know you don't want that with me.